Feelings

If there's anything that I regret, it would be having an emotional attachment on you. It's not even a crush, like or even love, it's an emotional attachment. And this sucks so much. I'm just so used to ranting to you, so used to talking to you, so used to just having you around. And all of a sudden, you're just gone like that. Maybe partly it's my fault. But I really wished that back then you had just confronted me, scold me, do everything just to keep this relationship going. If only I realised this earlier, I'll probably would have done so much more.
I'm so afraid of trying. Cos' I'm afraid that the answer that I'm gonna get is something that I would dread. I don't know since when I start worrying that you might just hate me, that you just don't wanna talk to me. I'm so afraid that after trying, we just become strangers. But then, I'm so afraid that we would remain like this forever. It's contradicting, I know. If only I'm more thick-skinned, maybe, everything would be different.
I asked myself, "What if I met you first? Would everything become better?" If it would, I'd rather meet you first. Maybe things wouldn't be like this now. Maybe everything would be so much simpler and that we're all leading our happy lives. Maybe... And only maybe, things would be better.
If you ask me what I want now, my answer is that I don't know. I really don't. I don't even know what I'm feeling now or what I'm thinking now or what I really want. Everything is in a mess. I can't even sort out all my thoughts. Maybe all I need now is a rest. But then again, I might just think again tomorrow morning when I wake up.
I just wanna know. Exactly who am I to you? Exactly how important am I to you? Would the importance of me to you the same as how you are to me? Would we get back to before, remain the same, or simply become strangers with memory? Do you really care as much as I do? Or are you intending to give up or had already given up? So many questions, yet so many answers not answered.
Another thing. I'm so afraid of becoming attached again. This time to a different you. You just make me feel so secure. With you around, I feel so relax. I don't tell you my problems but yet, I feel like my problems are taken off my mind whenever I talk to you. I'm so afraid of this emotional attachment because I know I can't afford another drifting apart. I just wish that I can find out if it's really an attachment and just stop myself.
Emotional attachment is just so different from crushes. I can stop myself from crushing on you but I can't stop myself from being attached to you. Emotional attachment makes me feel so fragile. It's like you controlling my feelings. Whatever you do, I'm directly affected. I hate how my feelings waive cos' of you. And yet, you make me feel so secure. Emotional attachment is so sweet yet dangerous.